Wedding Wednesdays: Who's Who (Men's Edition)

Hey there Internet! It's me, The Boy. Recently, Alana shared with you the ladies who will be standing with her at the wedding. Well, I think it's time we gave this blog a shot of testosterone, so I'm here to talk about the dudes in the ceremony. So get ready, because you're about to have a manly matrimony moment.

Weddings can be tough work. One minute you're standing up front, getting ready to watch your bride walk down the aisle and then - bam - you're getting attacked by ninjas, or ghost pirates, or Twihards. And I think we all know what kind of danger can rear its head during the reception (krakens, of course). I needed to make sure that when the going got tough, I'd have some of my own tough to get going. And, outside of all the fighting that will have to be done, I'll also need men capable of supplying me with bacon or whiskey whenever its appropriate, which means always and together because duh.

There was only one qualifying criteria that each of the guys needed to meet, but I think it covered all the bases of what makes a good groomsman/usher:

Each one of these men were selected because they have the skills and qualities to make sure this wedding goes off without a hitch. To quote Will Smith "WELCOME TO EARTH!" More relevantly, to quote someone talking to Will Smith "we're looking for the best of the best of the best." Well, I think we've found them.

Groomsmen

May The Best Man Win Best Man - Cameron Garcia and Michael Carlson

Iron sharpens iron, so, in order to ensure that I've got the greatest best other-adjectives-meaning-good man possible, I've decided to have two men fight to the death over the position. Unfortunately, despite what I've seen on American Gladiator and The Bachelor, gladiatorial combat is illegal in America (thanks, Obama) so instead, I'll just have them compete for the job (you can follow the results on here!). Either way I'll end up with a battle tested and weary Best Man and Best Man Runner Up, and their grizzled veteran status will bring a lot to the party.

Officer Mark Bradley

There is really no situation where it's a bad thing to have the law on your side, unless you live in an anarchical state in which case having the law on your side is basically just having an imaginary friend. Luckily, I've known Mark for a long time and if I can tell you one thing about him, it's that he's not imaginary. I know I can count on him to help out with even the most time consuming of tasks because he was once the campaign manager for my write-in candidacy for ASG at the University of Arkansas, an election bid that failed because we never once campaigned or told anyone to vote for me. But he was still a pretty good campaign manager.

Starting Shooting Guard Patrick Murphy

Were you aware that the number one cause* of divorce in America stems from wives being embarrassed when their spouses are destroyed in surprise pickup basketball games at their wedding? I'm not going to let that happen to me. So, to ensure my dominance of both long-term marital bliss and the hardwood, I've recruited one of the greatest shooters the NBA has ever seen. Nobody else better try and take a shot, though, or there might be trouble. Plus Patrick was my roommate for three years, so we've had time to develop some chemistry on the court.

Brother-in-Law-to-Be Jake Hale

You know what runs thicker than water? Lots of stuff, like molasses, or slushy, or dishwashing detergent, or vegetables that you've left in the back of the car for a month. But also blood, which is why the saying "blood runs thicker than water" is a colloquial phrase for talking about family bonds. I don't have a brother for now, but I'm about to get one, and I'm just going to go ahead and bank on already having his loyalty. I mean, have you seen the other guys on the roster? There's a good chance I'm going to need some loyal help to bury bodies in the desert when this all blows up in my fa... uh, I mean, to help me... dispose of... crap, this isn't getting any better. Quick, look over there, a velociraptor playing Scott Joplin on a harpsichord!

And Then There Were Four

So that's the starting five for the groomsmen, but of course you can't have a wedding without some guys ready to crack skulls and keep everyone in line (and also show people to their seats or whatever). That's where my ushers will come in.

No, not that one. These ones.

Andrew English

Andrew and I have been learning how to publicly administrate things together at the U of A, and although I am now the master of publicly administrating, perhaps one day the student will become the master. For now, he's an usher, which does not relate at all to public administration. 

Stuart Power

One time in high school I played Stuart's father in a film about Vietnam that we made for history class. We would have been shoe-ins for Oscar nominations, except we didn't show the film in a theater so it wasn't eligible. To make up for it, I've made Stuart an usher. 

Ben Ellis

One of two cousins on the list, I've known Ben for his entire life. He's also the youngest dude on the roster, giving him a bright future of ushering if he can hone his talents in this wedding. 

Will Aitken

Cousin number two, giving me a nice, even number of blood relatives in the wedding party. Will has experience in improv comedy, so I know I can count on him to adjust to any situations that come up. Plus he has a beard and the wedding party really needed some facial hair.

Ring Bearer

Luke Bradley

And what wedding party isn't complete without a Wild Card? Well our Wild Card comes in the form of young Mr. Luke Bradley. What will Luke do in the wedding? Nobody knows! That's the joys of a Wild Card. But whatever it is, we can guarantee that you'll want to see it.

- The Boy

* Wait, you came down here to check my source? You don't trust me? I... Look, I just want to be alone right now, OK?